Dealing With Insults

Ouch! What do you do when a young colleague delivers a zinger?

Choices:

1. You can lash back with one of your own.

2. You can quietly slink away into an emotional corner.

3. You can resolve to get even

4. You can pick your ego up off the floor and commit to prove your value


On a call earlier today, a young “hot shot” uttered the emphatic line, “If a really old 50 year old woman can do this then so can everyone else.” He continued totally oblivious to the fact that one person on that elite management team call was 65.

In theory a filter exists between the thoughts and the verbal utterance of speech. Not always. Everyone has at one time or another spoken in haste and regretted the words. Words of anger or during high stress sometimes regretfully slip out. Profound sincere apologies soothe ruffled feelings; however, once the words break free into earshot, they can not be retracted. It is like hitting the “send” button on an email and instantly realizing the error. Too late. The “Undo” button does not work for “Message sent successfully.”

Even if no one else on the call registered the words, as the 65 year old person on the call, the words stung. What action comes next?

1. Lash back? Emotional retorts tend to transfigure the insult from a mosquito to a bumble bee sting. Everything becomes amplified and uncomfortable for everyone on the call. Emphasizing the degree of hurt rarely solves the issue. If you must present a verbal slap, at least do it off line.

2. Sulking in a “pity party” closet wastes time and accomplishes zero benefit. Give yourself five seconds if you must and move on with your day. Harboring hurt feelings is similar to dragging around baggage from your childhood. So what if your sister was given a prettier doll on her fifth birthday than you received. Get over it. Lugging around a sack of perceived injustices only slows you down on your journey toward success.

3. Resolve to get even. “Vengeance is mine,” said the Lord. He instead suggested forgiveness. Bullies in the school yard and people who are angry at life fight back with vengeance. You are a much bigger person than that. Being reluctant to forgive others can be an indication of not forgiving yourself. Even if you have a perfectly legitimate reason for being angry or hurt, indulging in those emotions wastes perfectly good time and energy.

4. Your ego is scattered on the floor in multiple pieces. Get a dustpan, super glue and put the puzzle together again. Taking positive action starts the healing process.

One young mother of five active little ones said,”I really would like to have a nervous break down, but I just don’t have the time.” It is almost impossible to be depressed and active at the same time.

Find your passion. Determine exactly what you want. Design a plan on acquiring that goal and go for it. When you are busy moving step by step up your career mountain, you will not have time to look back down the hill.

Various techniques exist for removing old emotional baggage.

Make a list of every injustice in your life. Crumple the list into a ball and throw it in the garbage. Throw the list in the fireplace, assuming you do not have a gas sealed fireplace. Put the list in a bucket and fill the bucket with water; leave it there until the paper dissolves.

In ancient times when the troubles of the village were overwhelming, a healthy male goat was brought into the temple. The priest put his hand on the head of the goat and recited a long list of woes. The goat was then released to run away. The modern term “scape goat” originated in this manner.

The only healthy solution is to reassemble your ego and move forward with your life. The original incident was not about you. It is only an insult to you if you accept it as such. You have a choice to accept it or move forward with your life with even more determination.

For more specific tips and techniques in dealing with life’s little dilemmas, send me your comments in the “contact Elaine” section of http://www.elaine4success.com/.

Management Issues

Executives attend “Anger Management” classes after an incident in the workplace. Domestic violence situations require “Anger Management” class attendance. Children earn a trip to the principal’s office for anger management following playground issues.

Be realistic! Why would anyone choose to retain their anger and manage it rather than resolve the underlying cause? Anger destroys the person who clutches that nasty emotion to their soul. Anger rarely has any redeeming value whatsoever. Anger tears at the soul. Anger offends the peaceful spirit.

A wise elder from the Indian tribe instructed his grandson about the struggle within his heart. Within every man there are two wolves constantly at battle. One wolf represents hatred, war, hurtful words and various forms of evil. The other wolf embodies love, kindness, helpfulness, peace, thankfulness and joy. These wolves battle incessantly all day every day through the day and night. “Grandpa, wise one, which wolf wins the battle,” queried the boy. “The one I feed,” advised the elder.

We each contain a choice every day. We choose to feed the evil wolf or the gentle wolf.

Apply this same emotion and intensity to grudges. Maintaining an emotional death grip on a grudge hurts you even more than anger. Frequently the object of your displeasure may not even be aware of the offense they have supposedly so grievously committed. You are the only one suffering. Unless you are masochistic, grudges have zero value.

Debt management follows exactly the same ridiculous pattern. Our society’s emphasis on “instant gratification” propels us into debt. Rather than resolving the root causes of careless spending, we tend to pile debt upon debt until we amass a Mt. Everest stack of bills on a below sea level income. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to predict an impending disaster.

This isn’t a NATO project. You pretend you aren’t keeping up with the Jones family as you buy another new car which you really did not need. Do them a favor and stop the nonsense. They probably can’t afford you either. Piling up the credit card bills foolishly just to “look good in the neighborhood” makes about as much sense as wearing your ski helmet on the beach. Christmas “one upsmanship” provides the fuel for impending bankruptcy.

Debt management, or lack of financial responsibility, compounds the tension. More domestic arguments directly relate to financial issues. Debt issues spiral into anger issues. Anger management becomes the kissing twin of debt management. These siblings interact with the intensity of the atom bomb. One feeds on the other snowballing into an avalanche of red hot negative emotion.

Take a deep breath, step back, and view the cause of the anger and the cause of the debt. Resolve right now to take positive action to halt the nonsense.

Give gifts of the heart this Christmas. Spend time really loving your family and listening to them. Take the extra time to say “I love you.” Love salves many an angry spirit. Everyone, especially children, loves toys and presents at Christmas time. You might be surprised to discover that the gift they truly desire the most is actually your undivided time, attention and love.

Feed the gentle wolf. Anger management can be eliminated by dissolving the root cause of the anger. Debt management is minimized and brought under control by emphasizing love more than things as gifts this Christmas.

Anger evaporates when you feed the gentle wolf. Life becomes more peaceful. Managing anger is not the answer; resolving the cause makes sense. Debt management flows down the same stream as anger management. Resolve the cause; earn more income and spend more wisely. Feed the gentle wolf.

For more articles, wisdom and inspiration join me at www.Elaine4Success.com.